Latest #nye Posts
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- One of the biggest things which signalled the beginnings of my struggles with anxiety was the inability to make even the simplest or seemingly unimportant of decisions.
What to wear, what to say, how to stand, where to sit, how to speak, which curl was the one which made the rest look just a little TOO crazy, & let's not even get started on what to eat for dinner.
Every time one of these seemingly simple and obvious questions arose in the natural course of daily life, it would leave me paralyzed and overwhelmed with what I've now come to label as FEAR. But not your run of the mill, fear of ghosts & haunted houses fear. This fear is clever - it can clearly see & present you with (for anyone with an imagination as vivid as mine) what you convince yourself are actual possibilities & realistic pending experiences.
I make a wrong choice.
I go right instead of left.
I miss this bus.
All potential outcomes laid out for me to see.
All realities an 'actual' possibility. All energy spent not on creating great feats of art or music, but consumed with WHAT TO PUT ON THIS SANDWICH.
It takes a tremendous amount of will & awareness to face this FEAR & help it melt away back into the actual reality of the present moment (aka, the only thing that is actually ever 100% real & legit). It takes this acknowledgment of irrationality & FEAR time & time again to really ever even partially master it.
It's only in the past 2.5 years I've learned to manage these destructive & paralyzing habits. I've used awareness to combat it on turbulent flights, at tense family gatherings, or during ridiculously large meals, but I feel that FEAR still hovers on the perimeter of the present moment.
Because choices will always have to be made, and there will always be potential outcomes. It helps to have awareness of this, but whenever it happens I always feel that lean towards the tendency to overthink & surrender to overwhelm. The choice to succumb to it or to rationally sift through the scenarios & drop back into presence is the only thing that works.
Get still, get real, make choices, & then stick with them.
Here's to a 2019 full of choices.
29 minutes ago
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- Best feeling after a long skin up.
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